Okay, I’ve eaten in plenty of pubs. While I pick up a pre-made ham and cheddar cheese sandwich from M&S sometimes or go to a real restaurant occasionally, I usually find myself in a pub several times of week. I’m no expert, but I do have a list of “Rules for Pubs.”

1) You have to have a sign hanging somewhere on the street. Nothing neon. Something more than the name of the pub on the door.

2) You can’t have a name like “Joe’s Pub” or “Susie’s Pub.”

3) You have to have at least three stools at the bar. The older the better.

4) You can not have Bud or Michelob on tap. Get real. I’m not a real beer drinker and I know that. The names have to be interesting.

5) Your go-to meals must be fish and chips or burgers. Anything that takes longer than ten minutes for the kid, I mean the “cook”, to fix disqualifies your establishment as a pub.

6) Somewhere there must be a dog or two. Okay, a few paintings of dogs or a drinking bowl outside might count in a pinch.

7) Speaking of what’s on the walls. You can have one or ten TV screens. Of course, they are all on very loud and playing a football, cricket, or rugby match. No local or national news or weather. You can have something acknowledging your “classiness” as a pub.

8) Speaking even more about walls, the more incomprehensible memorabilia you have from the 17th century really gives you class. The more historical establishments have notices and artifacts from the Roman occupation.

9) If the walls, the floors, and the ceiling are completely uneven, you get even more class! Rows of swords or walking sticks on the ceiling are a big plus!

10) You have to have a bunch of regulars somewhere near the bar. They’re the real gatekeepers.

11) When entering, if the customer doesn’t say hello to at least four or five people, ignore them for several minutes.

12) If the customer doesn’t say something inane, “wow, lots of folks in here today.” “Can you believe how cold, hot, dry, or wet today is?” make them wait even longer.

13) You must make it a challenge for any patron to find a restroom.

14) You can make your own rules. I like Wyndham Arms “we frown on the use of mobile phones.”

15) There was a fifteenth “rule” but I forget what it was. Maybe somebody who knows more about pubs can help me out.